Tyr's Journal

The later it gets the more introspective my thoughts get.

Things that don't bother me during the day start to bother me at night.
My internal voice gets more thoughtful about what I don't have.

Then I slip into the slippery slope of self doubt.
I start to question my choices.
I start to think about the time I lost and how little time I have left.

Then I slide down the slope of self-recrimination.
I think about my absolute lack of self control around food.
I think about how much time, effort, and expendable energy losing the weight would be.
I think about how every single time I give up on myself before I give up on the thought of failure.

Then I sink down into the deep well of woe.
I realize that no one wants to introduce me to their mother.
I realize that I will grow old alone.
I realize that I've let how scared I am to be hurt cut me off from living.
Then I'm drowning in the sea of fear.
I'm too done in the put on the life jacket.
I'm almost to far gone to grab the life lines my friends are throwing me.

Not long ago I'd just let myself drown.
Now I realize that my life is not my own.
It belongs to the people I love in this life and those who love me.
I owe it to them to live this life the best way I know how.
Some days I don't do it well.
On those days I rely on those who care for me to remind me of who I am to them.

Does it matter that I disagree?
No it doesn't.
Why doesn't it matter? It doesn't matter because I don't live this life alone. I live it with others. Everyday I interact with other people. Some I know most I don't. Everyone I come into contact with shapes me in some way. They leave an impact or impression. Those touches shape who I am.

So you want to get to know me? Talk to those who know me. I promise you they can give you a better sense of who I am than I can.

To fully embrace this you have to give up the confining definition of "self".

Know thy self.

This simple phrase is so hard for me. For all the time I've invested in "knowing" my self out I found I spent more time trying to figure it out than living my life.

Funny thing is that everyone wants to tell you about your self. Usually not in a good way. I don't listen to those people. Context is very important. Someone who loves and cares about me will usually have a more altruistic reason to tell me about myself than the a-hole who is upset because I didn't anticipate that he'd want to occupy the same space and time as me.

In the end though if I remember it's not about me. I just might have a shot of getting through this thing called life.

So ends this stream of consciousness!